Wednesday, January 14, 2026

Scientists: Best way to curb youth drug abuse is make all prescriptions suppositories

WILMINGTON- Working hard to address a rise in teen addiction and abuse of prescription drugs, scientists believe they have finally come up with an...

Dancing pig nothing more than publicity stunt, says talking horse

In a stunning exposé that's shaking the barnyard, a talking horse has stepped forward to declare that the recent viral sensation, a dancing pig,...

Child finds love for father when stumblingly upon trove of “Yo momma’s so fat” jokes

In an unforeseen turn of events, a young child's relationship with their father has taken a heartwarming twist. The catalyst? A chance discovery of a trove of "Yo Momma's So Fat" jokes that unexpectedly...

Woman launches t-shirt shop with inspiring quotes; elsewhere, cricket chirps

Hold onto your indifference, folks, because Sarah Smith, self-proclaimed visionary and t-shirt enthusiast, has just unleashed a line of tees adorned with what she optimistically calls "inspirational quotes." The global reaction? A resounding, "Meh." Sarah's...

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NFL to shine light back on spinal injuries as concussion debate rages on

MINNEAPOLIS- As fans gear up for another football season, shadow looms tall over the NFL. The debate about concussion related injuries continues to plague the league. In fact, a recent report showed concussions rose to a six year high. Now,...

Epidemic of stoned squirrels plaguing California suburbs

WALNUT CREEK, CA- Not everyone in California is coping well with legal recreational marijuana. The state spent years studying the legislation. The impact on tax revenue and the intricacies of the supply chain are well detailed.  However, one overlooked...

Turns out erection lasting only 3 hours isn’t great either

In a bizarre turn of events, a man discovered that an erection lasting a full three hours is not the joyous adventure he had anticipated. Contrary to popular belief, it seems that prolonged tumescence can lead to unexpected challenges...

More than three taps and you’re playing with it, plus other urinal truth

In a quest to unravel the secrets of the bathroom universe, our intrepid explorers have stumbled upon a trove of urinal truths and bathroom etiquette... Rule #1: More Than Three Taps and You're Playing with It. Yes, dear readers, it's...

Sneezing makes you a terrible person

In a world where morality is determined by bodily...

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Study: Common public speaking technique increases sexual deviance

For many people, public speaking is at the top of their most feared activities. To address these fears, it has long been recommended that the speaker imagine the audience naked. However, new evidence suggests this technique is leading to longer-term sexual dysfunction among young men. For now, one researcher had...

Woman’s hike to mountain crest causes her to rethink flat Earth beliefs

BOULDER, CO- Sharon Davlerson received the shock of her life after hiking a nearby trail.  The mountain crest trail took the woman on a winding 2.9 mile trip. At the top, she was offered an open view of the mountain below and the range in the distance. “My jaw...

Man horrified that witty thought forgotten before he could get to Twitter

WILMINGTON, DE – His head collapsed into his hands as Hubert Rockston sobbed uselessly. Around lunch time today, he had the most amazingly witty thought. “I was just waiting in line at Chipotle when it came to me. I don’t remember a single thing about what I was thinking; just that...

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Only 8 sucker-punched in relatively peaceful Philly morning commute

PHILADELPHIA, PA- City officials and long-time citizens were overwhelmed with shock as Philadelphia completed a historically peaceful morning commute.  “We knew winning the Superbowl was going to change this city, but to have fewer...

Coworkers very suspicious of white guy who speaks fluent Mandarin

PHOENIX, AZ- “I was sitting in my cube and then, all of a sudden, I heard him talking in perfect Chinese on the phone. I was like Tommy, dude, you speak Mandarin?” said one...

Elves frustrated that Santa jolly AF throughout layoff announcement

North Pole - In a stunning display of holiday cheer gone awry, the elves were left fuming as Santa remained annoyingly jolly during a recent layoff announcement. As the news of downsizing hit the...

GOP seeks to swap 1st and 2nd amendment to better reflect their priorities

WASHINGTON, DC- In a surprise move, several Republican Congressmen are working to draft legislation that would change the US Constitution and swap the order of the first and second amendments. This action would put...

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As carbon levels continue to rise, air promises to be fuel source of the future

WASHINGTON- For the first time in several years, scientists have announced a positive result of global warming. It seems the carbon levels in our atmosphere will soon become so...

Alexa offline for two hours in silent protest over barrage of crude questions

SEATTLE, WA- Amazon is reporting that Alexa is back online and working as expected. The announcement follows two frantic hours for the world’s largest retailer, during which time Alexa...

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Woman realizes cold air not causing shrinkage, boyfriend always had small penis

BUNKUM, NC: Sarah Armstrong brushed off a few early views of her boyfriend’s unit as effected by the cold winter air. However, she was shocked at what she discovered...

Stay at home dad too literal; watches helplessly as kids play outside

PORTLAND, OR- Parental norms continue to shift and the number of stay-at-home dads appears to be on the rise. However, one man’s interpretation of the job has others rethinking...

Informative

Bayonet manufacturers giddy as calls for new US Civil War grow louder

GETTYSBURG, PA- The rift in the United States appears to be reaching a boiling point. With approval ratings at historic lows and political dysfunction abound, some say our union...

“Flatulent Extractor” is latest in surprising string of updates for Tesla

PALO ALTO, CA- Tesla Motors announced what is arguably their boldest update for Model S owners – the “flatulent extractor” feature. With the click of a button, an advanced set...

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Man’s $2,000 Etch A Sketch masterpiece ruined after ground shipping snafu

RENO, NV- It took Hubert Galltree three months to draw his masterpiece on an Etch A Sketch and only one day for it to be erased forever, along with a $2,000 payday. While in...

Alien civilization pissed after lovestruck man names their star after “Rhonda”

In a cosmic act of love gone terribly wrong, an infatuated man thought he was making a grand romantic gesture by naming an alien civilization's star after his beloved "Rhonda." Little did he know...

Amazon exit US market after executives horrified by the things Alexa has heard

In a shocking turn of events, retail behemoth Amazon has made a hasty retreat from the US market, reportedly driven to the edge of madness after hearing the horrifying things people say using their...

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